Where do I start…ugh? I am finding it difficult to gather my thoughts these days it’s like trying to catch your breath after a marathon. Everyone is telling me slow down. I guess outside looking in shit doesn’t look so put together. Maybe I’m getting lazy or messy or maybe I just don’t care to fake it anymore. But this is me in all my glory … beautiful chaos.
Many times I’ll have a title of a post before I’ve even written the post… So the title that’s been on my mind is Beautiful Chaos or Controlled Chaos. I feel like the only post that would fit this title is my battle with depression. I’ve used the term controlled chaos many times in therapy to describe myself or how I feel. I speak very openly about my problems with depression but it’s always in a joking matter nothing to heavy because you don’t want to freak people out and let’s face it unless you suffer from depression you’ll never really understand what it feels like. I’ve been diagnosed with mood disorder and major depression. I’ve been hospitalized twice since I’ve been 18 and I still have issues to this day accepting the fact that I suffer from depression. I’m a really proud person and nothing hurts me more than knowing that I have to take a pill to control my emotions. I’ve never wanted any one thing to define me as a person but it would be really naïve of me to pretend that it doesn’t affect my everyday life. I work really hard to maintain a sense of control and an image of everything being ok. So went my cracks begins to show and family and friends ask are you still seeing your therapist and are you taking your mediation nothing hurts me more.
I share this kinda stuff because if I can help one person who may feel the same then my pain isn’t in vain. God gives us all trials and tribulations and if you are blessed enough to make it through how selfish do you have to be not to share your story.